whiteflowersandelephants


Fats Waller
July 19, 2011, 10:32 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Fats Waller is taunting me as I sit here in my room, wondering how to begin this blogging business again. He sings “I ain’t got nobody, and nobody cares for me…” and it almost sums up everything I was going to say when I decided to sit down and write this.

Rather than try to recap what’s been going on since I last wrote, I’ve decided to give you a state of the Amanda address.

 …

My room is freshly cleaned, which always feels good. Both because its nice for me, and because I know I would have Abbey and Debbie’s approval if they could see the recent transformation.

AlexAnne is passed out in the room across the hall. She’s been getting little sleep in these last few days she’ll be spending in Waco. What AA and I have experienced this last year could fill a novel the likes of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, or some other tween best friend flick. She’ll be in New York in a few weeks time, and God only knows where she’ll go from there. It’s another big goodbye after marrying Taryn off earlier this summer, and it leaves me with the same questions.

What will my life look like once she’s gone?

To have excellent friends is a blessing. Your hours are filled with joy, and depth, and God conversations. To have excellent friends is asking for heartache, because you cant keep them long. Baylor has been so amazing- I have known so many remarkable people. And it’s sad but true that remarkable people go remarkable places and do remarkable things. They write letters to other remarkable people, because miles and miles always seem to span the distance between such people in the end.

I don’t know that I’ve ever had a friend so like myself before. When AA and I discuss an issue, people should take notes because of the dizzying psychoanalysis that goes on. Our friendship has been an encouragement and a riot to both of us. It is sad to see it change.

I think it’s sad to see it change because neither one of us knows what were walking into, but we know what were leaving behind. Like 5 year olds on the first day of school, unsure of the teacher’s intentions and our classmate’s goodwill, we walk into this next chapter. I’m sure we will be equally met by fun and learning.

Jeenah is already gone, as well. Another sad goodbye. We talk with this lovely angel over skype, hoping for her well being like parents that have sent their child overseas. We pray for her, and hope for her. We want her to come back home, to this silly Green House.

In the morning when I wake up, Debbie and Abbey come over. The three or four of us spend the day cooking, shopping, talking, laughing. Debbie is continually surprised by how girly the rest of us are. Four women around my kitchen table painting their nails purple and pink, talking about boys. Men now.

AlexAnne does my make up, and Debbie shares her heart with us a little more than she could yesterday. Abbey goes back and forth, laughing about good things on the horizon, fretting about the worries one step ahead of today.

I skyped with Taryn for the first time since her nuptials. Little has changed. Ask her any question, and her answer will invariably be, “Pretty good.” It is good to see her face and laugh with her, even from so far away.

Jeenah is gone. AlexAnne is on her way out. Robin is still in Kemp. Abbey is on her way to a big girl job, with a kid, and who knows what else in this next season of life. Debbie is going back to full time Baylor, and maybe a few jobs.

I’m going into Elevate, along with all the married people I know. As a still single woman, I can’t say I’m whole-heartedly excited about being surrounded by the happily wedded husbands and wives.

God seems to have cleared my plate for next semester.

Up to now, life has been full. Full of people, and school and making food for everyone that comes into my house. My usual cast of characters are taking their bow, and moving on; most of them wont be around so much, anyway.

My table is empty downstairs. In a matter of days, the room across the hall will be empty too.

And Fats Waller is singing an upbeat song to me as I sit here typing, “I ain’t got nobody, and no one cares for me…”

But, in the same breath….

I am the Lord’s. He is the kindest person I have ever known, to borrow a phrase from a prophet. He has invited me to dance, and I have said ‘yes.’

I remember the last time in my life I felt stranded on a desert island. It was the happiest, fullest, most love filled time in my walk with Jesus.

He called me out of the crowd. He called me into something different. I’m on my way into His great narrative, and for this little spell, it’s going to be a lonely walk. Like the calm before the storm….

I asked to know His presence and His face. And so that I might behold Him, He is drawing me out into the desert.

I hold my hands out, reaching for Him, that I might hasten our meeting. I am my Beloved’s and He is mine. I cannot wait to know Him in greater fullness.

I was made to love. And so, I mourn the loss of those my love has been poured out on in these last few weeks and months. But the One I will receive in their place is more than worth the silence downstairs.

To know Him, to hear Him, to dance with Him: that is life.

Fats Waller has no idea what he is singing about.

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